the story of my life

Man, I tell you, the minute I think I've solved one problem, another one comes right up and completely discards of whatever it was that thought I had going. I'm stressing, big time man. Like I know it's natural for teenagers, or people period to stress, but I'm stressing to a point where I think it's messing with my mind, and my body. I'm tripping out, thinking crazy thoughts, and finding it hard to concentrate on things. Not to mention my eye sight has been bothering me lately, another reason for me to stress out. Try getting things done when you can't see. Just typing this post is a little rough. Everyday I wake up it's something new. Sometimes I wonder how I'm going to make it through the week, or even If I'll make it through at all. That's a messed up thought to have. I shouldn't have to worry about if I'll make it to graduation or not, or whether I'll make it past these obstacles being placed in front of me or not. Like really, I've just been feeling like a big failure. I wonder if half of the things that I have I even deserve.. I don't know. It probably sounds weird but this is how I've been feeling. There are so many things to wrap my head around, based on decisions I've made in the past, and what's going to happen in my future that I get overwhelmed to the point of going insane. Sometimes I can't sleep, when I do sleep, I'm haunted by nightmares. Staying awake is just as hard because with my mind working in overdrive, I can never rest. It's like a constant battle everyday I have with myself that I can never seem to resolve. How do I win a fight against myself? If I win, then I lose.

I should look at the good things going on in my life - pay more attention to those than other things, but it's so hard when you feel like there is so much more bad than good. Sure, I wake up everyday, go to school, and put on a happy face, but as soon as I get in the car and have a chance of silence, boom - reality kicks back in and everything is spread out across the table for me to unpleasantly indulge in. How can a person live life like that? This can't even be qualified as living. So many lies, demons, and skeletons in my closet, it feels like things are beginning to be too much. Sometimes I just want to completely let go. Let go of everything - responsibilities, desires, everything and just be nowhere. I would wish for silence, but the silence brings forth the noise of the thoughts screaming from the inside of my brain. I haven't heard silence in such a long time. It's been so long where I can just close my eyes, and enjoy the sound of pure white silence. I don't even know what it's like anymore. Some days, I just break down and cry, because there's nothing else to do. There's nobody really to talk to, well, there are a few, and it helps - for a moment, but then I go right back to feeling how I did before. Only God can truly see and understand what's going on inside of me. All I keep asking for him to do is make it go away, have me wake up one day and have it all gone - maybe it's not time. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel truly happy again.

Sorry for the pessimistic post.