living for the fun of it

So there's this guy right. Let's just say I have an incy wincy crush on him. Yea, I know, I'm too old to have crushes, but shit I can't help but to be a stupid little girl sometimes. Not to mention the fact that I have a boyfriend who loves me dearly. But yea, back to that. This guy right, he's a bad boy - not like a thug kind of bad boy either, like, he's more flirty bad. I don't know. It's like you know you're not suppsed to flirt with him, but it's so fun to do you do it anyways. And it's funny because, I could never see him as somebody who I would choose to be serious with, & I can't really imgine any girl doing that. It's kind of hard to explain. Like, I would never leave my boyfriend for him, the thought of that being an option has never crossed my mind, but in the same sense, I can see him getting me in trouble. It's also funny because when I first met him, he reminded me soooo much of Julian, it was crazy, which is weird because they don't really look alike, and they don't really act the same either. Since day one, it was obvious he was sexually attracted to me, which didn't really bother me because this is how it is with over half the niggas I come in contact with. But as I started talking to him more and more, he's a cool person, but fun too. It's kinda hard to explain. He always tells me how he's going to "give it to me", lol. And I always blow him off, because that's just what I'm supposed to do. But there's this thing tugging at me, to entertain it, simply because it's damn entertaining! No I would never do anything like that with him, no I'm not naive, no I'm not willing to cheat on my boyfriend for "entertainment". I just can't help but to play into this game. Maybe it's the playful side of me. I'm not sure. It's just this look he gives off that drives me nuts! It's a devious, sexual, flirtatious kind of look, but at the same time I know that it's nothing more than that. Ugh, it's sooo weird. It's like two people like each other, but that's it. There's no serious emotion involved. He's told me before that he likes me, and he thinks I like him too, which I do, but that's it. I like him because he's fun, because he's funny, and because he's kind of cool - but in the same token, I feel like I should leave him alone. But then too, I feel like we're friends. Like, he asks about my relationship, he asks about advice on girls, we can really talk about anything.

I think it would be different if it was the type of thing where jealously as an issue, but I really ant him to be generally happy. Yea, I didn't mention, he has a girlfriend too, lol. It's new, but yea. And I kind of feel bad for her, because even though she's known him longer than I have, I can see things she can't. I don't see it lasting long, simply because I don't see him being ready for a relationship. I do think he likes her a lot though. But I think he's too immature to respect a serious relationship - he's just not ready. That's evident in how he acts with me, and I'm sure other girls. Maybe he'll change for her, ha, I doubt it, lol.

I don't know. It's clear that he doesn't give a damn about me having a boyfriend as far as he's concerned, but I think he can tell that I really feel strongly about Ju. Lol, he calls me fake because I won't talk to him when I'm around Ju, but oh well, he comes first, period. I think we'll just end up being cool friends though - at least when he stops trying to kiss me, maybe. Am I wrong for wanting to play though? I know it's nothing more than that. I'm just a little afraid this play will hurt something that I care for a whole lot more, idk.

- sigh

damn that id.