"without patience, I'd never make it.."

Another day passes as I think about my future. I try to think that after this is all done, I'll go back to normal, and be fine again. Yea right. These stresses will never completely fade away. Not as long as I'm alive living on this earth. It's the not knowing that bothers me so much. The kind where you think you know.. but aren't really sure. You kinda hope it's better than what you think it is, but realize that its probably not, and that.. you're screwed.

I'm Screwed.
I can only wish for a miracle at this point.

As the day went by, the feeling got worse and worse. From being primarily in a neutral mood of neither happy nor sad, to irritation and frustration. I hate being frustrated. Why? Because you can never get it out of your mind. It may go away for a second, then it comes right back and slaps you in the face.

I can hear my conscience laughing at me.
"I'm still here, what are you going to do now?"

My mom tries so hard to make me feel better. But really, I don't want to hear it. I probably need it, but hearing it makes me feel even worse. She swears everything will be fine, and I have some trouble completely believing that. I mean, when it all comes down to it, I can probably get by... but what does it mean to just get by? I'm straddling the fence, like, luck can take me either way. What happens if luck isn't on my side? You know what, scratch that. Fuck Luck.


Every night before I go to sleep I do 3 things. I reflect on my entire day. Not verbally of course, but in my mind. I've never been the kind of person who goes straight to sleep, even when I'm tired. After I reflect, I pray. Every night, almost. There have been times when I've forgotten, but If that happens, I try to catch up on it the next day. I've never been really religious, but I do believe in a higher power, and recognize that power as God, the father of Christ. Anyways, back to the subject. After I reflect and pray, I try and relax my mind to be in a mode where I can sleep peacefully. Probably the hardest part of the night. This is what I mean when I tell people I can't sleep. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm not sleepy, or I'm not comfortable in bed - but more so, I can't put my mind at ease enough to allow myself to sleep peacefully. It makes a difference. Sometimes it takes me to cry before I can go to sleep. I see crying as venting.. although I hate crying. Usually when I cry myself to sleep, I can go to sleep feeling better, and wake up mentally rested - sort of.

I felt so out of place at school today. Like, I was there, but my mind was somewhere on another planet. And now that I think about it, it's ironic because school is mostly what I'm stressing out so much about. I guess it's because I'm looking at the big picture, more so than right now. I can't take not being able to get accepted into the schools I want to go to. I can't see me not going to college, or even going to college, but for a reason other than what I really want to do. No, If I'm not doing what I really want to in college, I'm wasting my time. I refuse to work for money, and be unhappy.


"Life is full of struggles." As I get older, I'm understanding this philosophy more and more clearly. "Nothing worth obtaining will come without fight.." I hope this is truth. I'd hate to go through all of this for nothing. Anything positive happening would really help. Who knows, maybe mom will hit the lottery. Ha, yea right.

-sorry for another depressing post.