the re-up

It's been a long time, I know - and I'm sorry. I haven't had much time to blog lately, but today, something told me that I should. I've really been in a messed up mood the past few weeks. I don't know what it is about 2009, but It hasn't been on my side so far. The only really good thing that has come out of 2009 was that 4.0, and that Gold Key award I got recently. As far as my relationship though, things haven't been so good. I've been feeling really awkward about me & Julian, and it's starting to scare me. I'm beginning to think he doesn't care anymore. That's a messed up feeling to have. This is the thing that I've always been afraid of. I never seem to be able to get away from it. It's like law. Five months ago, I thought I found the person of my dreams, and now it's like it was all a fantasy. Uggh. Where do I begin?

God blessed us women with the power of intuition, and I'm trying to figure out if that is the same thing that I'm feeling. Maybe it's my insecurities, or maybe I'm just wanting something to go wrong - either way It's not making me feel very good about myself. We're starting to hardly talk, barely see each other, and when we are together, I feel really strange. I don't know what to do. I really wish things would just go back to the way they were before, but I don't even know if that's still a possibility. I hate relationships, I swear I do. I might have been better off sing-lay. I expressed my concerns to him, but he doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from either. I asked him was he Happy - he told me yes and asked why I would ask him something like that. I told him that I felt like we were slipping away, and he doesn't know what to say. You don't know what to say? Reassure me, do something to let me know that what I'm feeling is false. Man, I feel really stupid. But, I always end up feeling stupid when it comes to things like this. It's inevitable. Maybe I should stop getting my hopes so high, and they wont be shot down so easily.


Sorry for the sad post.
Maybe the next one will be happier.
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