love is also a 4 letter word

Every time I look to the side of my screen, I smile. :)

The last 2 days of my life have been probably the gayest days of my life. He's such a cake. You guys think I'm bad? No, you haven't seen gay until you've seen that one. Ha, he's homo - and I like it, which makes me just as homo. I told him about my reservations about this whole thing, he was pretty receptive. He keeps trying to open me up, and get me to be more expressive with him, but I'm very hesitant to. Certain things I'll open up with, others I won't. If I don't put my all into it, I can't lose anything, right? I'm still trying to convince myself that. This is serious business, really serious business. I'm not bringing anybody else home to mom and dad after this. The whole process is too much - I'd rather wait.

I still feel a kind of emptiness, though I'm not really sure what it is. I can't put my finger on it. It could very well be the fact that I'm not allowing myself to fall head first. Does that make sense? I don't know. When I'm with him, everything feels.. natural. For some reason "right" isn't the word I want to use. "Natural" seems so much more appropriate. Maybe that's because so many times wrong feels right, and it feeling right would make it wrong. Only God knows, lol.

Damn all these essays I have to write! UGH! That's the only thing keeping me from turning in my college applications, and of course, those expensive ass application fee's. 40$ just to send in a paper? That's crazy. Then you're not even promised admittance. This is entirely too nerve racking for me, lol. Either it's school wanting me to write an essay, a college, or a scholarship. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I'm still apart of the "Needing a New Phone" club. I feel sooooo broke! There's so much that needs to be paid for and I'm penny-less. Well, I shouldn't over exagerate. I have about 110 in my wallet. But I mean damn! What can I buy with 1oo dollars!? I need a new phone, which is about 300, new fall clothes, some new coats, and shoes. THEN on top of that, I need $200 to pay for my AP classes, and then another 200 for my senior dues. This shit is crazy. Niggas are soooo not balling around here. Moms has been complaining for the past 2 weeks about how broke she is. She's been eating a lot more and everything. - sigh. Nigga's around here need to hit the lotto or something. I wish I had time to work, I want money so tough. I told Markus that I was going to strip for about a week, then quit. You know, get my hustle on a little bit, lol. Sell a few dime bags. Lol, yea right. Let me stop fooling myself.

There are good things going on, though. My grades are looking okay. Not as bad as they usually are first cardmarking, lol. I have ACT testing again saturday. I hope I do better than last time. I would appreciate a 25, but who knows. I haven't been preping myself so maybe that's too much to ask for. This school shit is for the birds, lol. When will highschool be overrrrrr!? UGH! Then after that I have 6 years of college to look forward to. Whoop - de - do. To tell the truth, If I didn't have to go, I wouldn't. I'd find something else to do. Go travel the world and fall in love - something like that. Tell me that doesn't sound like fun? Lol. Dreams. Why couldn't life be all about pleasure? So much to do in a lifetime, and we're expected to work most of the time. I'm all about pleasure, damnit! I guess I'll have to get over it. - shrugs.

I'll stop bitching. Life has been good to me, despite it's downs. God's been looking out, even when I probably didn't deserve it. I need to get my stuff together. My anti-work attitude is really going to slap me in the face one day. =\

smiles&hearts.