food for thought.

Maan oh Maan.. Me & Fats was on the phone a few nights ago, having "Real Talk" as we like to call it. I can't remember who asked, but one of us asked what we we're afraid of..

I used to have the attitude where I wasn't afraid of anything.. But I'm starting to think that as I'm gettin older, I'm finding more things that i`m afraid of. Shits crazy. Lets go down the list...

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1. Nigga.. dying a slow painful death. Flesh eating Virus? Nigga whatever.. Give me a bullet to the head cuz thats most DEFINITELY not flying this way.. Drowning/Suffocating? Look, I ALREADY am a typical nigga and don't know how to swim.. Throw me in the pool? .. I might not be coming back out. =

2. Eh.. my mother or father dying while im still young. That shit scares the hell outta me. I don't know how some kids do it. My life as me and everyone else knows it would all come crashing down in a firery blaze of numbness. Specially where my dad is right now.. I think about that mess everyday..

3. This is the biggest one: Hell. I am so afraid of dying and going to hell.. Dying is not really what scares me, its the part after it that bothers me. A life of eternal damnedness doesn't sound too fly.. Everytime I do something that I KNOW I have no business doing, I stop to think like.. damn, If I die tonight... Is this shit going to send me to hell? The Devil can kiss my ass as far as I'm concerned. Fuck that nigga Raw.. He aint having my ass..

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Speaking of Hell, What a Nigga gotta do to get there? Should a Murderer and a Liar both go to hell? Lying and Killing are clearly both sins.. so does one out-weigh the other? When you die, and go to heaven, are you supposedly sin-free that moment before you die? If so, how would that work if all humans are sinful. Is there ever a point in time in life when you are considered sin-free? We repent for the sins we commit at night, go to sleep, then wake up sinless? Approx how long is it before we mistakenly commit another sin?

Nigga I have questions for days.. It's just so much stuff that I don't understand.. So many damn contridictions in the bible and shit. Eeh.. Maybe I should read it more.. talk to my dad about it or something. That nigga done read the bible front and back like 8 times. I be trying to read it sometimes.. but then end up getting confused all over again. Then be like "Ef it, I'll read it later" and NEVER get back to it. I gotta work on that..

-Puts on Alicia Keys Playlist-
She is soo freaking beautiful. She's probably making some broad out there real happy about life right about now, lol. The signs were always there. I always knew her lyrics were a lil.. hmm.. "esoteric". I'm like something about her music is different.. like, Romantic in a secretive way.. or, something like that. See America, Alicia was talking, you niggas just weren't listening good enough! Fucktards.. Her music is always fun to sing too. My ass be in my room jamming! With my no singing ass, Lol! Aye but low key.. I don't be sounding that bad all the time.. Sometimes that shit be HAWT, lmao.

I wish I would have never stopped going to piano class. I'd be sweet as hell by now.
[ sobs silently to self ]

brb. taking a temporary intermission...

12:13 pm.

Mmkay, I'm back. I think i'll sleep on the top bunk tonight.. aint been up there in a hot one. Everyday, I realize how stingy I am.. This isn't good, lol. Mmmm.. I'll try to get it off my mind.. It's hard though. I swear I think too much sometimes, and over analyze shit.. but if were in the same situation I was in, you'd over think stuff too.

Shit, Fuck It.

[ talks to Fats til I fall asleep ]

Ai