i don't think this is the pms talking..

For the past few days I've just been thinking, and thinking hard. I'm disappointed in myself. It's soooo much shit that I'm not taking care of that I should be, even right now as I'm writing this blog.. Nigga, I have homework to do, why am I not doing it? I got my priorities mad fucked up, and I can't blame anyone but myself. I swear this procrastination shit I be pulling is going to hurt me in the end. All bark and no bite. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm ready to be done with High School.. or the fact that I'm just not motivated to do as good in school as I know I can. Man, it's like, I don't even know where to start picking shit back up. It's so much that I'm behind on.. I STILL haven't taken the ACT yet.. I took the practice test bullshit but only because my school was pushing everybody to do so. I haven't looked into scholarship information like I'm supposed to be doing, (God knows Art school is going to cost an arm & leg).. I want to be motivated, I want to be successful, I want to go to college and take care of business.. but how can I take care of business in College, if I'm not doing what I'm supposed to in High School?

I'm still trying to get my damned drivers license, but shit, am I responsible enough to have them? I'm not even sure if I deserve my drivers license. I think I'll end up abusing what I have, and end up doing some dumb shit.

I was on the phone earlier and it made my realize other things about myself I'm not too proud of either. I don't necessarily think I'm a bad person or anything like that... but I make a lot of bad decisions. It's like.. a fucked up puzzle just got laid out on the floor in front of me, and was like "Take a look nigga, this is what your life looks like." And I'm talking a big ass puzzle... with MILLIONS of pieces. The kind that takes a person months to put back together.

I also think that I may have an anger problem, like, seriously. I'm usually not like that, but it's taking little shit that pisses me off, and I have to try and humble myself like extra quick. I've even broken a few things because of it.. No nigga, I'm not crazy... I just get mad, and yea.. shit happens.

Ugh.. I need some help from somebody.. but I really hate depending on other people. I feel like I have to force myself to depend on myself. Nobody got me in this rut but myself, so why should I drag anybody else in something that I caused because of my own incompetence? Maybe I should pray more, too. But I can't just depend on solely praying alone either.

So much to do, so little time to do it. I'm dead serious. If I don't get my shit together soon, I'm going to end up shutting down, and blacking out.. Reality Check Niggas, the light is getting dimmer by the day..

Ai